What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Who then, do I blame.?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Why do I sweat so much after shower?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

What is the sum of X+XX+XXX+XXXX?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I write beautiful poetry .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

I will be 64.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

How is bestiality wrong, but killing animals for sport or trophies is considered okay?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

What is treasury?

Im still living with it.

Especially a lifetime of it.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Who writes and reads novels nowadays?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Why are American women so ugly nowadays?

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Why do some people dislike Gilmore girls?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Comes on , in middle age.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I am 13 and I am planning to run away. What should I do to succeed?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He knew the spot.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Ive learnt so much.

Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

But ive been too sick for many years..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Put me off passion for life!!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Why did i forgive my father ?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

We all went to grammer schools

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

What did i know ?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

So, i spoilt her more .

It was going to be , some day.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was very sick at this time too.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I couldn’t, believe it.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

This is soul school!.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I have no regrets .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I don,t even have a pension.

All the time i was locked up.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

So whats the point in blame.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

When she asked me how she looked .

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I never cut or harmed myself..

But it wasn’t much.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Was to survive, this bastard.

She was in good health!

And i lived it daily.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She wouldn,t have been !

She married twice! .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He resisted the act ,that day.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Would this be the day?

I was 9 years of age.

My family never makes their pension either.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

As i do to all so called friends.?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

We were not on the streets..

One cannot live in the past .

She loved him until the end.

I was seconnd youngest,

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

My life is so biszare .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I said to her

But, we were locked up after school.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She found it foreign!.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I think the readers, may guess!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I waited trembling.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I was scared of men, in general